My new place to document upon moving to LA…
if you follow me here, would you follow me there?
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It’s what it always comes back to
No matter where I go, who I meet, what I do
It always just comes back to me and the full moon
Those chance moments, just happen
Where it just jumps out and grabs me
and suddenly I’m frozen
Locked in. staring it straight in the face
me and the moon are together
suspended in space
I’d float there forever
Imagine it, so empty, cold, and still. All you hear is your own heart thumping in-between your ears. Your breath echos through your space helmet, the rest of the universe is mute. Except for rays of starlight shooting out all around you. Colors neon and milky swirl around your silhouette. Your body spins slowly, you are powerless
I’m going to ask God to give me that moment for real one day
It might be the first thing I ask for in heaven. A trip out of my imagination, and into actual, real live space
With the full moon, that is
I know they say it’s a myth, but I’m genuinely a different person on those days. Call me superstitious, insane. But throughout my entire life I remember it happening. Where the full moon jumped out and grabbed me. And explained why I had previously been feeling or acting so strange
It almost always marks the beginning of something new, and sometimes the end too. Last summer my first days in a new country were lit by that moon. So of course my last dinner by the sea, it struck me again. I swear, just out of the blue
That full moon. A cycle, a circle
A stillness, a quiet
that I adore
For it’s comfort
Yes, the full moon is my comfort
Because everything changes, everything is uncertain
Except for that splendidly, beautiful moon
It turns feeling alone into something magnificent
Something eternal. With the full moon you are infinite
Because you’ve become part of something huge
Even though the moon is always alone too
Everyone can see him, and he is brilliant
But imagine being him, up there, it’s cold and lonely you know, in space
That’s why I cherish those moments
where we both stop and say
Hello, I see you. I feel you. I’d like to be closer to you
But for now I’ll just recognize
your crazy brilliance
and how wondrous it is that you can feel so near, so real
when you’re so far away
Dear Moon,
thanks for always being there.
I get you.
PS: I am not insane. It’s just kinda close to a full moon tonight so obviously you’d expect everything I say to be crazy. Ok, so give me a break. Me and my relationship with the moon…
picture HD
my stomach just flopped at the thought of seeing west coast mountains out the airplane window in 2 weeks…
and thinking, this isn’t just a visit. I’ve chosen a place I’d like to call home
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I wrote this in July…I feel this today. Life is about seasons. It moves in full circles. Today I feel blessed by people, past experiences that have swept me to this day and those that will send me on a drift into what now just seems like space….
when you stop to observe the past, present, and future congruently. when you feel all three simultaneously. and as a whole they overwhelm you with such a magnitude of blessings. that you can’t even decide if you should be more thankful for what has happened, what is going on right now, or what you have to look forward to.
that is when you are floating in the very center of life. where it’s vibrant and bustling, you’re stimulated and growing. but not moving too fast or too slow. you get a little bit of every feeling: reminiscence and longing, but mostly contentment. you really are thriving. you’re just right. in the middle of the world. but it only lasts a short while, for the next step will send you through the cycle again.
so that’s when I like to curl up in bed so I can stop. fall asleep. dwelling on this. celebrating the balance that has been reached. the season that I’m in. simmering in the bliss that it is. knowing it won’t last forever, but taking time to thank God a little bit. for a whole lot of goodness. that’s been given to this girl.
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I want to wake you up with breakfast in bed
I want to curl up and trace the lines in the palm of your hand
I want to ask you questions about humanity
I want to scare myself silly at the thought of eternity
I want to make you run outside with me
Scream like a child in the cool, morning breeze
I want to spin and laugh uncontrollably
Find warmth when you scoop me up in a humungous squeeze
I want to find calm in you
I want to dream with you
I want to explore with you
I want to do more with you
But this time I want you to search for me
To search hard enough to really find me
I want you to be puzzled by me
Enough to want to uncover me
I want you to pry into me
Grip me by the shoulders and shake me if need be
Anything so that you can just find this thing
inside of me
that I desperately love and hate
Take the pliers of your love and rip this aching soul out of me
I want you
to rescue me
from me
PS: Actually, Hope. I’m sorry, but Jesus is supposed to fulfill that need for you. Clearly you’re not ready for love because you haven’t found contentment in yourself and God.
Because apparently you’re not ready for anything until you’re perfect?
LIE.
I’m tired of believing that. I’m tired of using my God as a shield of perfection. Questioning my true devotion to Him if I find He hasn’t filled every earthly, aching need.
Why do I feel so sinful for being needy? Why do I believe that if I’m close enough to God I will be indestructible? That I wouldn’t need people. Or a person. If I was a good enough a Christian, I wouldn’t want anything.
Wait, so why did God make humans then? Did He feel needy then too? If God needed people, maybe I do too. Why did God make Eve? Didn’t Adam have complete access to God in the garden? Are you telling me he still felt needy too?
Being needy is not equivalent with being weak.
God is not a snow globe of perfection
Jesus gave me the freedom of vulnerability
Love grows in vulnerability, which perfection chokes out mercilessly
So yes, I’m sorry.
I. am. needy.
and I really just wanted to share my French toast with you this morning…
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Have you ever had happiness & sadness, hope & despair come bubbling up & together all at once so that it gets caught in your throat and comes out as a croak?
Wide eyes, open mouth, and absolutely nothing comes out.
Whether you’re enthralled with life or terrified, you could not say. You’re simply feeling something, and it throbs.
That’s when you close your mouth, un-widen your eyes, and keep things to yourself for a little while. Let the feeling simmer & stew until you discover that happiness & sadness sometimes feel the same and you should probably learn now to live in the beauty of both.
Or you can just go ahead and cry, because usually sobbing solves both.
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growing up, doing my hair for ballet class was my greatest worry
getting every piece just right, and it had to be so darn tight
I’m embarrassed to say that some days it would take me 30 minutes
today, I put my hair in a bun in 30 seconds
how did I make it so difficult ten years ago?
I wonder if this is a pattern for how the rest of life will be
where my greatest worries will transform into such a breeze
will I get the job, will I live here or there, will I find the one, will I find love, will I find contentment, will I be at peace, will I be happy…wah wah wahh.
are these all 30 minute worries that should really just be worth seconds to me?
I don’t want to look back again and wonder how I made something so difficult
can’t I just skip to the end or does it really take 10 years to learn how to swirl something together in a matter of seconds
